I am WHITE. I am so white I am almost blue. Kinda like a cloud. Being this way made me a perfect candidate for thousands of nightmare scenarios in school: Gym class, Flag Girl Uniform, class trips to the water park, any park, Spring, Summer. Back then I there was no Nicole Kidman to point to. Everyone was tan. Oh, and it was California. The girls I had to stand next to were usually short, beautiful, glossy black-haired Latinas with skin the color of the finest cocoa. Gorgeous. I never had a chance. I remember my first day of kindergarten. Dressed so cute, long blond hair, I was ready to conquer the world. Then I heard the words “You are the UGLIEST white girl I have EVER seen!” I found the nearest tunnel and hid until senior year.
In junior high, I wore sweats to P.E. as long as I could. Inevitably, there would come a day when the shorts had to go on. I would walk out to gasps. (Over-exaggeration.) My classmate Tana Moz walked directly up to me and touched my leg. She pulled back her finger as if it had been burned. “I didn’t believe you were that white. I thought you were wearing pantyhose!” She shook her head and went back to her friends. I stayed to the back of the class.
So went the years. Embarrassed for being so white. (Why is white so terrible??) Sure I could slather on my mom’s QT, but that raised more questions, so I left it alone. Oompa loompa orange has never been “in”. Then, things began to change. Skin cancer rates went up. Fake tan products got better. I became one with tanning creams, my skills of application unmatched. Me, bronze beauty, whenever I wanted. Bliss.
Today I am going to tell you about a tanning product I used for Easter and how it altered my plans. A bit.
I saw a morning news show that recommended products for getting the at home airbrush tan. I was salivating. The one I purchased was L’Oreal Sublime Bronze. I chose it because the gal went on, and on and on about how flawless the spray went on and there was no rubbing in. Just Spray…and walk away. Okay!
Like I said, I am a pro at applying self tanner. I am pretty good with a can of spray paint. I love the look of the airbrush tan. This should have been the perfect storm of bronzy-ness. Nope. My upper body turned out quite nice, only a few places were a little bit darker than the rest. My legs were another story. When I got up Easter morning to examine my handiwork I knew I was going to have to wear pants. Most of the mist landed on the tops of my feet. Specifically my toes. Oh, a LOT got on the floor so the bottom of my feet were like a bronze statue. I sprayed it evenly, but it didn’t turn out even. It looked like I had been stuck on a lop sided rotisserie. Well done in some parts, still raw in others. I so wasn’t fancy. At all.
I don’t know if I’ll spend another nine bucks to try this again. At least I know my limits with the lotion. It’s a bummer because I really liked the application process, and the color, just not thrilled with the coverage. Regardless, I am sooooo very thankful that the options are out there. Apparently my white legs cause a lot of stress for people.