Ever have one of those mornings that leave you clinging to a life raft, alone? Being tossed in an emotional sea, with said raft, and no one to help. Because you ticked them off.
Yep, that’s the kind of morning and afternoon, and heywhilewe’reatit evening I have had. Today. All day. It sucks. I got up in the usual manner. After a night of sleeping with EVERYONE in the bed, except Jacob, I opened my eyes. I stared at the paneling on the walls. The paneling irritated me. One of the boys had risen early with his dad. He wandered back in the room and snuggled up to me under the “tubbers”, as he says. His sweet smile and giggles had almost chipped away at my irritation. Then he smacked me a couple of times in the face. Irritated. Again.
I got out of bed and the wave of annoyance washed over me. It was Sunday morning and I had nothing to wear. I had nothing to wear because we have no money for clothes. We have no money for clothes, because we are buh-roke. Even if I had money in my hand I would spend it on things we need for the kids, or to hold up the walls in the crap hole we live in. Spending money on the kids is why I have nothing to wear for church. I have worn the same jeans for weeks. The same tank tops. The same shot, worn out bra. The same silver flip flops with chicken doo on them. There are no funds for haircuts, or styles for me either. Someone is always ahead of me.
Most mornings, the Ugly is the badge of honor I wear. I get to stay at home with my kids and bear the Ugly. Some mornings, like this one, I can’t. I want to stamp my feet, or cry, or have my husband lay out a new dress for me. I want him to say “Go get your hair done. Go on, get out. I’ll take care of the boys.” It’s pointless to set him up for that kind of failure. That wouldn’t even cross his mind. But, sometimes, I wish it would. So, the fact that it doesn’t ever cross his mind, made me more annoyed.
I looked at myself in the mirror, disgusted with my fat body. I took a shower and squeezed myself into pants that I had no business wearing and a shirt that is too big. The only bra that wouldn’t show through the shirt didn’t offer any support. So I made a support that showed through my shirt. Had to hang low. Ick.
As I did my hair and makeup, the kids came in the bathroom and got into everything until I finally had to yell at them to stop. I went to sit in the living room with a huff, only to have my husband march in and say I could go to church by myself if I didn’t calm down. That wound me up even more. Finally, I crammed myself into the back seat of the car that I am too tall and too fat for and we rode to church. The car has no air conditioning, so my hair was a blown around mess by the time we got to church. Since I can’t do anything but put it up in a stupid pony tail, it was easy to fix. Hair that is easy to fix because it can only be put into a pony tail annoyed me terribly.
Most Sundays I am a-okay by the time the kids are in their class and we are in worship. MOST Sundays it only takes a song or two to rejuvenate me, or bring me to tears. THIS Sunday, I didn’t know the words to any songs and there was a different person in the band playing piano. (Last time he played, I loved it.) His voice reminded me of Morrissey, and then all I wanted to hear was The Smiths. I kept thinking, “WHAT is WRONG with me, today? Why can’t I break through this awful feeling?”
And it never seemed to get better! The message was about having a kind word that was well timed and encouraging to those that needed to hear it. I thought, Oh brother. I didn’t have a kind word for anyone! Then I felt guilty for having the oh brother thoughts.
In conclusion, I have no idea WHAT happened today. Nothing went right. No one could do right in my sight. Everything made me annoyed or angry. The most ironic part of it all is that everything is going quite well right now with our family. We are broke. Really broke. My husband makes 10 dollars an hour. Okay? But we have so much going for us. Everyone is healthy, mostly happy, and SOBER. Why oh why do I feel so hopeless? Mind boggling.
Please forgive me God. Even when my heart is so hard and miserable right now, it’s not who I want to be. I mean it. Make it go away. Love, Lizzie