(Certainly NOT me.)
Yeah, yeah, I KNOW what you are going to say. Gross!! The chemicals, the possible DNA from STRANGERS! I beg you, please hear me out.
I rarely get new clothes. I wasn’t always this fashonically challenged, I used to have quite the healthy, full closet. I was the friend who dumped all her clothes on you and said “I hardly wear any of this stuff anymore, want it?” Over time my wardrobe has shriveled. There are various reasons. I don’t want to buy “fat” clothes. I don’t have the money. I don’t have the time to shop. I can’t find anything I like, because I am fat. Those things. Lord knows, I would do ANYTHING to be thin, except eat right and exercise. The clothes I do have are stained, bleached, ill fitting, and embarrassing.
When I do get something new I have to wear it right away. I have to go many places and show people that I am ACTUALLY wearing something new. Why? Pride? Insolence? Nope. I do it because the odds are giant that it will get ruined the first time I wash it or wear it. My husband says I am cursed. At least 50 times during our marriage I have put a shirt that I have worn once in the laundry and it comes out with a bleach mark, or crayon smudge that will never. come. out. Or I will be wearing the outfit for a special occasion and will go do a quick spot clean in the bathroom or kitchen, whoops!, and bleach. (I have an apron, but it doesn’t help if I forget to wear it.) There have been more times than I care to mention that my whitening toothpaste has ruined a shirt, pants, or sweater. It’s drives me absolutely mad. I have cried over it, but bleach doesn’t care about my tears.
If you see me, and my pants have creases or fuzz from stickers, take a picture. Cuz, like Bigfoot trudging through the forest, some things gotta be seen to be believed Lizzie bear in new clothes is one of them.