The One Where I Bash Halloween

Halloween.  That long awaited eve where tiny cherubs and teenage hooligans alike dance under the moonlight, showered in a cascade of confectionery.  Puffy cheeks envelop dainties of all manner and proportion. Chubby fingers covered in the sticky gloss of booty most divine.  To this great night I say…WHAT IN THE HECK ARE WE DOING?

This ain’t the post about how EVIL Halloween is.  You are perfectly capable of Googling all of that jazz.  (BTW-It IS evil. So there.) THIS post is a jump off from I quote I heard today.  A quote from an extremely wise person.  Here it is:

“People say, ‘Halloween is for the candy and the kids’.  Yeah, so are Chi-Mo vans!”  No kidding!  Halloween is the one night a year that child molesters don’t have to waste any gas money!

“Yeah, taking the kids out for Halloween.”

“What is this…Halloween?”

“Oh, you know, you dress up your tiny tots as Pixar characters, take them around to strangers houses and ask for candy.”

“Really?  Do you drive a long distance to do this?”

“Heck, no, I just go to the neighbors’ houses.”

“Well, alrighty then.”

The whole day is just sad.   Yay, another day that I am REQUIRED to spend a ton of money on costumes, candy and decorations.  My reward?  Oh, getting fat on my kids candy until Thanksgiving.  No thanks.  Not to mention the unspoken “graduation” that occurs. You know the one:

“But Mommy, why can’t I be a Elizabeth Cady Stanton for Halloween?”

“Oh dear, you are a hoot! Everyone knows when you turn nine you have to dress like a prostitute for Halloween.”

(Child wrinkles nose in confusion.)

“Don’t worry dear, Mommy did it when she was eleven!  Be glad!  We’ve come a LONG way!”

“Annnnnnnd, you also get to Trick or Treat by YOURSELF this year while MOMMY makes margaritas.”

“Okay, Mommy.”

“Oh and uh, stay away from old man Crandall’s house.”

In case you couldn’t tell, I have a slightly different opinion about Halloween.  No fear…I won’t judge you for doing it with your children.  Much.




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