I must break you.
Last night they had an early Black Friday at Wal-Mart. Perfect for old ladies like me. I only had to wait until 10 pm. I went with my sister in law, the Teenager and ALL of Fort Payne. Wow.
The store was pretty packed when we got there. The wait would be about an hour, so we each wandered around and looked for piles of things to lay on. It was tough. There were towels for a $1.28. Women were ready to kill each other over towels! Sadly, I wanted towels too, but apparently others needed 30 for their bathroom. (Mansion life must be hard, you know, with 28 bathrooms and all that.) I stood by my meager Leap Frog box and hoped that I would get the one with the green pen and a solar system book. Gideon is big on the solar system.
I called my husband and told him I was feeling sick and would probably have a diarrhea attack. (I don’t do well with crowds.) I asked what he thought I should do. When I he gave me some ideas I told him that it was IMPOSSIBLE to get anywhere. He asked why I called. I hung up. It was 9:42. I chatted with the gals who I had linked arms with (not really) at Occupy Leapster. I checked the time. 9:45. Suddenly I heard what sounded like a waterfall. I panicked and asked what was going on. People started tearing into the plastic wrap. No employees in sight! It wasn’t 10! The mob mentality took over and we tore into the stuff like mad women. I grabbed my loot and like the proverbial vampire with the taste of proverbial blood on my lips, I made off for the next prize.
But, I lost my cart! I ran into the Teenager and he had left everything we told him to stand by. Had nothing! I spoke wild gibberish to him about finding the cart, and what had happened at 9:45. He said that employees were shouting for people to stop opening the palates, but they didn’t listen. Animals, I thought. Yeah, I was just as bad with my scary eyes! We found four carts where I had left mine. I screamed more gibberish at him and he went to look for random stuff. Then I pushed wildly with my cart. Through clothes, displays, jewelry. I wanted to get back to the Shark Steam Mops!!! I saw ladies go by with the purple and grey boxes in hand, I followed the direction from which they came and pressed forward. I found some tools for Jon along the way. Then I stopped. Then I was stuck. Then the Sharks were all gone.
Finally I found my party. My sister in law got everything she wanted. She has magical powers like that. She had also found me a Shark! Yeah! So we headed to the check out. Her cart full of stuff was less than 70 dollars. My cart of four items was almost 200. Good grief. Except for the Leap Frog stuff, I had the most random stuff. Oh well. The experience was exciting and just wonderful enough to reassure me that I never need to do it again.
I’m stuffed. I’m tired. I’m ready for…shopping?
Thanks to a certain birth control that reprogrammed my brain, hormones, and ORGANS, I can’t drink ANY caffeine.
Dear reader, how am I going to do this? I’m 37, you know? This ain’t the old clubbin, crazy, Liz with two cigarettes hangin’ out my face. This is old mommy, don’t even say a cuss word unless it REALLY hurts, no alcohol drinkin’, too tired for everything Liz.
We’ll see what happens. Pray. Pray hard.