Blarg, Blarg, Arghhh!!!!

Ever have one of those ridiculous diva moments?  Ever want to just sit around and watch youtube videos that make zero sense?  How about getting a case of the giggles that contorts your face into such a frightening grimace that it scares your children? Never?  Hmmm.

I guess I am coming down from some sort of knitpocalypse.  The crash that comes after finishing a brutal project.  My mind says, “But you have more projects to do, you have more projects to do!!!!!”  My back says, “Please, for the love of mayonnaise, move your butt from this spot on the couch!”  I want to go outside.  I want to put my feet in some water somewhere and not worry about sharks, jellyfish, or elections.  I don’t want to wear a sweater!  I want to let it all hang out on a beach.  If someone stares at my fat rolls, who cares????  At least I am living!

Sometimes when I am on Facebook, I want to launch into a tirade of curse words and offensive statements.  I mean REALLY offensive statements.  Just so I could giggle until I turn purple and then see how many people block me.  Kinda like the line in the movie Arthur (with Dudley Moore thank you very much) where he says “Sometimes, I just think funny things.”  I’m not crazy, I just miss the funny side of me.  I take that back, I don’t miss it.  Sometimes it wants to rear its ugly head.  Oh yeah, it’s obnoxiously ugly.  If I got paid to be a troll, I would have to think long and hard about it.  I used to troll chat rooms.  I wouldn’t try to pick fights, necessarily.  I just would pop in and type things in all caps, sit back and wait.

I’m a jerk, I guess.

My Secret Passion

A NaBloPoMo post.

I am going to jump right into today’s writing prompt.  I am going to reveal my secret passion.

I am all about living off grid.  I read blogs about it, study it, watch survival shows, and dream of being totally self sufficient.  If I had the money I would put in a secret underground bunker that was the size of a home.  Not to plot or plan anything bizarre, but just to have somewhere to go in an emergency. Or to live in.  Don’t judge.

I want to be an expert at hunting, fishing, water purification, and dehydrating food.  I want to have an encyclopedia of knowledge that allows me to make a shelter, read the weather, and build a fire with flint rocks.  I want to tan leather, and track bison.  I want to see the hoof prints of an animal and know if it had a rider that weighed 180 pounds.  I want to pick up dirt, smell it and say “They came from the north, 6 riders, with 12 cans of biscuits.”  You know, crazy stuff.

Unfortunately it would have to be a mix of roughing it and luxury. I would have to have a generator that powered my laptop.  That leaves me conflicted because a super secret survival den can’t have a generator fired up all night.

This fascination comes from reading books like Dune, The Road, To Build a Fire, etc.  From wanting to have a plan if the poop hits the fan.  If Reavers are flying in with their smoke engulfed ships, I wanna be ready.  Or if the virus infected Darkseekers are tearing apart my house, we will be underground.  Safe.

So there, that’s my secret passion.  Analyze it.  Dream it.  Be it.

Saturday Morning Dreams

Saturday morning already?

I guess I will get this out of the way today and tell you about some of the cruh-azy dreams I had last night.

First I dreamt that I was a little person.  I was invited to a HUGE showcase, showcasing little people.  The invite said I was going to be the main speaker.  The catch?  I had to show up nude.  So, of course, I did.  Then, in some sort of bizarre Working Girl twist, I found out that my sponsor had set me up and wanted to humiliated me. (She felt threatened?)  I showed up nude and everyone laughed at me.  I jumped in the pool, trying to hide my nakedness.

My second dream involved me driving a monster truck through my neighbors’ back yards.  I was trying to get to my mom’s house and thought of a short cut.  I remember one woman, who was digging ditches, glaring at me in disgust.  My husband and son were in the back seat.

That dream morphed into the THIRD dream.  The truck became a bicycle with a trailer.  I was pulling my family through the streets of my home town, trying to get to high school.  I was riding down side walks and through restaurant patio’s.  When I came to a cafe that had good sandwiches, we stopped for a bite.

The fourth and final dream happened right before I got up.  Once again, there was a grand party and I was the main attraction.  It was my birthday.  EVERYONE was there.  Mostly my friends from the past, family, random old couples.  I left the party to go use the bathroom and went to my TINY one bedroom, two bathroom bungalow.  The front door went into a kitchen that was so cramped I had to walk sideways to get to the bathroom.  As I pushed further into the apartment I realized it had been vandalized.  My camera was not only stolen, it was replaced with a much crappier one.  Yeah, these folks were evil.  At that, I marched back to the party and made an announcement about how selfish people were to destroy MY DAY.  Everyone gasped and ran to my place to see what happened.  30 people crammed in and began helping me clean up.  I looked for clues as to who did this terrible deed.  I found a note from PETA in the fridge.  They wrote that animal ownership was cruel and they were going to kill my cats unless I fed them all the meat they left in my fridge.  I took the note to give to the police later.  I sat down by a random old couple.  The husband told me he was an atheist.  I very wisely said, “You know, I think God intentionally made some people who were going to be atheist no matter what.  My faith is as real to me as air.  Soooo.”

And to that the husband nodded in agreement.  Finis