I Have Lumps On My Head.

Cassiopeia constellation

That's Cassiopeia. Check my head for reference.

I’m sitting here with a hot sock filled with rice on my head.  Why?  I have lumps on my head.  Sebaceous cysts.

They are gross.  I hate them.  I have had them since high school.  They keep me most humble.  You can’t think you’re too beautiful when you have M&M’s shoved under your scalp.   I had one at the nape of my neck for years.  It finally burst.  I thought the issue would resolve, but instead it grew.  Quite literally.  I had to leave work and head to the emergency room.  People gasped when they saw what was going on back there.  A quick cut, plop and stitch took care of that sucker.  Gone.  See ya.

Problem was, I had about six more placed in the shape of the Cassiopeia constellation on my head.  I tried to convince myself that they were a map to new galaxy.  Or, if pushed in the proper order, my head would pop open.  They made dating bizarre.  If a gentleman caller wanted to run his fingers through my hair I had to warn them about my “secret”. Some hair stylists would FREAK when they discovered one.   Doctors told me they were harmless and removing them would be cosmetic.  (read: to remove them, I had to shell out the dough.)  So I suffered until about two years ago.

I had begged to be referred to a surgeon.  Let me go a little off topic here, but what happened to general practitioners or dermatologist who had a working knowledge of a scalpel?  The only reason I had the one removed was because it exploded.  I guess ER docs don’t mind a little cutting.  I went to a dermatologist who after seeing me would not return my calls.  I had another one burst in Washington.  I went to an urgent care doctor who was all “Ain’t no way I’m touching that!”  He sent me home and told me to see my regular doctor TWO DAYS LATER.  By the time I got in, they hemmed and hawed and talked about giving me antibiotics first.  Then she touched it and it burst.  THAT’S why I want them cut out before then people!!!!

FINALLY, I was sent to a general surgeon.  I told them I would pay for the removal, I understood all the blah blah blah blah blah, just please remove the friggin M&M’s from my head.  (Which now numbered around ten.)  He removed six of the big ones.  He said he didn’t feel comfortable removing all of them in one visit.  Ohhhhh-kayyy.  So I had him remove the ones that were most obvious.  All was better in the Lizzieverse.

Then, two months later I noticed several little ones had taken the place of the removed ones.  I am back to having several of them again.  From everything I have read, I should only have ONE or TWO of these in my life.  What is wrong with me?  Am I using a chemical that is blocking my glands?  Shampoo?  Conditioner?  Diet?  What’s the dang deal.  At this rate, I will look down right scary as an old woman.  (Stay away from old lady Clements!  She has HORNS!)  I have thought of cutting them out myself.  I’ve tried to drain them with syringes.  HAHAHAHAHAHA.  NO, it didn’t work.  So that brings me to the hot sock.  Supposedly heat will make the sebum brick dissolve.

I am pretty sure I just burned my head.   Maybe I should look up health tips on Pinterest.

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